


Dear Journal

by Stan_Hoe



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Canon Compliant, Ellie comparing herself to sarah and thinking she's not enough, Ellie is a loving parent, F/F, Father Figures, Father-Daughter Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, abby dies, she loves her child and wife and that's that, time skips are weird, unable to realise just how incredible she fucking is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:00:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24974980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stan_Hoe/pseuds/Stan_Hoe
Summary: Ellie's lost journal entrys. Survivor's guilt, self-deprication, anger, grief and dealing with it all.Or: Ellie's journey to accept love throughout the years.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 73





	Dear Journal

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! 
> 
> I've had a whole week to process the game and make my peace with it (kind of), so. Motherfucker wasn't bad, but they really made us chase Ellie around like she was the bad guy, huh? Low blow. Anygays, in my fantasy, Ellie killed Abby in the theater and went to live her life as a farmer with her wife and kid idgaf. 
> 
> HOWEVER, the other day I was checking tumblr and I saw this comparison between Ellie and Sarah and I thought _man,_ i bet Ellie was lowkey jelous of Sarah. Like, that girl had Joel as her (biological) father, pre-apocalypse joel at that. And i feel like it's safe to say they are kind of sisters at this point, right? Even if they never met. 
> 
> The thing is, i thought about how little Ellie thinks of herself towards the end of tlou, and how it must've put a dent in her relationship with joel before it all started to fall apart. idk man, i just got hung up on that tumblr post. 
> 
> anygays, hope you enjoy this mess and happy pride! 
> 
> (NOTE: english isn't my mother's tongue so this is just a heads up for if you find any fuck up. Also, i really hope this isn't very OCC. i swear i tried my hardest.)

Today Joel thought me some notes to start practicing. He makes them seem so fucking easy. I’ll lose my shit if he rearranges my fingers again tomorrow. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

He’s been talking about Sarah a lot lately. I don’t even have to ask him about her. I don’t know if I _want_ to ask him about her. 

───※ ·❆· ※─── 

My fingers hurt and they sting and I’m pretty sure they bled last night. I feel like I deserve the pain. Do I? 

───※ ·❆· ※───

Joel has stopped pestering me about my finger positioning BUT now he is annoying me with some bullshit fingerpicking. I am so fucking done with this guitar business. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

Turns out, the guitar is awesome. Joel still bothers me every five seconds for fucking everything but I think I’m getting it. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

Swimming is cool. Easier than learning how to play the guitar, _that’s_ for sure. Joel says I’m a natural. Said that Sarah wasn’t really a big on swimming, and that he was glad _I_ am. 

I fucking hate when he brings Sarah up. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

Dina eyed my tattoo again. Said that Cat better knew what she was doing. She’d understand why I want my arm covered up if she knew what is underneath the ink and the scars.

Joel hasn’t said a word about it yet. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

He doesn’t like the tattoo. Well, he _does,_ but he doesn’t like the fact that it’s on my skin. I told him that I don’t give two shits if he likes it or not. It’s utter bullshit, I do care. But he, of all people, should know why the fuck I want that motherfucker hidden. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

My fingers don’t hurt anymore! I’m still shit at playing, but not as shit as I was in the beginning. Joel said that I look cool, like a rock star. Maybe he’s warming up to the tattoo. Then he said Sarah used to love hearing him play in the dusk. 

I almost wanted to smash that fucking guitar against the ground. That would’ve been punk rock. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

I don’t think I’ll ever warm up to the memory of Sarah. I feel like I’m competing against a ghost, and I’m not even sure what’s the winning price. Joel? It’s been more than 20 years and she still has him wrapped around her little finger. I lost before I was even conceived. 

Fuck, why do I hate a dead girl I never met? 

───※ ·❆· ※───

I don’t hate her. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

Joel kept his promises.

Today all my friends and I went to a lake near town. I swam like a motherfucker and at night I jammed in front of the bonfire and it was so fucking cool feeling like a normal kid. Cat kissed me and our friends whistled and I just kept smiling. 

When I told Joel, he looked stupid proud. 

He didn’t mention Sarah once. It was such a great fucking day. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

Joel’s been teaching me some tricky songs lately. Honestly, I’d rather have him annoying me with fingerpicking rather than those cheesy 80s’ movie he likes so much. On the bright side, I’ve annoyed him into letting me drink some of his whiskey. 

Tonight, he told me Sarah hated the smell of whiskey. I don’t know what to make of that. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

Will I ever be enough? Dina has Jesse and Joel has the ghost of his perfect fucking daughter and I don’t have shit against any of them. 

I know _– I fucking know–_ that I am not his daughter. And I know I’m not what Dina wants. It’s just that I- 

I thought that Joel would someday see me as his- 

Maybe someday, Dina would just- 

Fucking fireflies. I travelled across the fucking country and they turned me the fuck away. 

Why the fuck can’t I be enough? 

───※ ·❆· ※───

They didn’t turn me away. 

Not that it changes anything. There’s not a single soul that knows how to use my immunity for good and I’ll never catch up with Riley. My only chance at doing something useful and I blew it. 

Fuck that. Joel did. Fucking prick.

───※ ·❆· ※───

I miss Joel. I miss sitting in his front porch jamming. I miss the warmth of him calling me those dumb pet-names. I miss having breakfast with him and pretending I hate his cheesy movies. 

I bet Sarah would’ve forgiven him. I bet she wouldn’t have to worry if she would be called baby-girl by him again. 

───※ ·❆· ※─── 

Sometimes, I wonder how Sarah was. I wonder if she was like me. Stupid, impulsive and hot-headed. Probably not. Maybe that’s why Joel liked her better. I bet she was like Dina. Warm and funny and witty. Maybe softer around the edges. 

I was never a competition for her, even if she’s been dead for longer than I’ve been alive. She was better than I’ve ever been or I’ll ever be. 

I should’ve died in that fucking hospital. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

Playing guitar hurts. Maybe that’s why I lock myself up and force myself to play for hours on end. It fucking hurts and I fucking deserve it. 

_I should’ve died in that hospital._

───※ ·❆· ※───

I don’t think Joel has ever understood why it hurts when he cares for me. 

I don’t know if I understand it either. 

I know that he won’t ever see me as he saw Sarah. He sees me as a companion at best. Some apocalypse-partner that he cares enough to keep around. I don’t think he would’ve ever let Sarah venture for herself. I don’t think he would’ve been chill about her getting a tattoo unsupervised, or living alone in the middle of a strange town. 

I bet he hugged her every night before going to bed and called her those stupid pet-names he used to call me. 

Why do I want to be her so bad? Why, if I’m supposed to hate that asshole? 

───※ ·❆· ※───

I want to hate him so bad. I want him to give me an excuse _–more excuses–_ to hate him without feeling bad. I want to forget all those months spent running through a destroyed country together. I want to forget all those times I thought of him as my family. I want to forget the endless winter nights of him teaching me how to play guitar, and the endless summer days he spent teaching me how to swim. 

I want to _fucking_ forget about my 15th birthday.

I want to go back to that dumbass day and—

I want to stay in that fucking day forever. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

People keep calling Joel my _old man_ , and I keep playing along. It’s kind of nice pretending Joel is my father. It’s kind of nice pretending Sarah doesn’t looms over me, or that Joel didn’t fucked over my only chance at having a meaningful death. 

Why couldn’t he let me die at that bitch ass hospital? 

───※ ·❆· ※───

Fucking bigoted Seth and fucking dumbass Joel and fucking Dina for kissing me. 

She fucking _kissed_ me. I thought that I ascended to some other existential plane for a whole second. And then that homophobic piece of shit had to ruin everything.

Joel tried to protect me and it sent me the fuck over. He isn’t my fucking dad. He isn’t _shit._ I can live without his dumbass. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

I can’t live without his dumbass. 

I talked to him. I thought I was going to tell him off but then I just- 

Maybe we can start from scratch. Maybe we can still be— I don’t know. Just different. I want him around. I don’t fucking know if it’ll work out, but I’m sure as fuck I’ll give it a try.

───※ ·❆· ※───

He died. He died and I don’t remember the last time I told him I loved him. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

He should’ve left me to die in that hospital. He would be alive if he had left me in that motherfucking hospital. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

I see him everywhere. I wake up every day thinking it was all a fucked up nightmare. It isn’t. He fucking left me. 

I left him to die. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

I’m going to hunt down those motherfuckers. I’ll make them pay for every single second Joel suffered. I’ll kill every last one of them even if it kills me. 

I just hope Dina knows how far I’m willing to go. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

Joel’s scent is going away. So is his voice. I can’t draw his eyes anymore. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

I had a panic attack. I feel like Joel is already fading away. I feel like I let him fade away before he was gone and why the fuck didn’t I went talk to him sooner? Why the fuck couldn’t I— 

I don’t know how to handle this. He was supposed to stay with me. He wasn’t supposed to fucking leave me. 

I’m not supposed to be fucking alive. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

Everything feels unstable. Jackson, patrols, whatever I have with Dina. I should let her leave before I fuck her over as well. Or maybe I should hold onto her like a lifeline. 

~~I want to hold onto her.~~

Doesn’t she know that people around me tend to die? 

───※ ·❆· ※───

I knew I should’ve headed out the moment Tommy left my room. I should’ve known that he would leave alone. He’s way too impulsive and hot-headed.

And Joel, when he was alive. 

Fuck this shit, I’m leaving.

───※ ·❆· ※───

Seattle is a nightmare. But riding with Dina is cool. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

There was a time where Joel and I were the ones alone, riding on a borrowed horse. There was a time where I was the hopeful one. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

Dina makes me regret all my death wishes. All the times I fought off a clicker and thought _fuck, that could’ve been my way out._ She almost makes me believe there is something to look forward to. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

She’s pregnant. 

I’m so fucking stupid. She’ll go right back to Jesse and I’ll be back to square one. This time, though, there’s no Joel or Sarah’s ghost. 

~~Why couldn’t I have died in that hospital?~~

───※ ·❆· ※───

She’s still with me. And I think that if I don’t hold onto her, I’ll never get us out of this fucking city. 

I want to fucking hold onto her. I don’t want to fuck this up. She’s too important. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

Jesse’s great. No wonder Dina keeps going back to him. And now they’re having a child. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

Tommy is fucking hard to find. I hope Maria knocks him over his head when I get him back to Jackson. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

I’m a fucking monster. I don’t know why is Dina still putting up with me. I can’t even look at myself. Every time I close my eyes, I see Nora. 

What am I doing?

───※ ·❆· ※───

Human contact is a luxury. I couldn’t afford it with Joel. I can’t afford it with Dina. I’m worse than an infected, because I don’t bite and kill. I poison everything I touch and everyone that I care about. 

I should’ve known that. Makes sense why I’m immune. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

I killed Abby. It didn’t change shit. I don’t feel better. I just feel toxic. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

We lost Jesse. Tommy is worse for wear. Dina and I are no better. I don’t know how the fuck I’ll get us all out of damned city. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

We had to bury Jesse in Idaho. He would’ve hated us for it. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

Tommy will have permanent damage in the right side of his body, but at least he’s alive. 

Then again, I am alive and it doesn’t change the fact that I wish I wasn’t. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

Dina keeps it together so fucking good. If we weren’t living together, I’d believe her cheerleader act. 

Of course, I am the one that holds her every night while she cries. ~~She’s the one who puts up with me when I wake up screaming.~~

There’s too much remorse in my head. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

Today, I played the guitar for the first time in months. Dina pestered me into helping her relax between contractions, and who am I to say no? 

I smiled at her and then told her I had to run for the doctor. She didn’t buy it. I’m pretty sure she heard me cry half a minute later. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

Jesse Joel. Joel Jesse. 

We’ll just call him JJ until we settle for it. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

I don’t remember the last time I felt so happy for such a long period of time. All JJ does is eat and shit his diapers and I feel so fucking happy all the time. I didn’t remember what hope felt like. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

We’re moving to a farm a few hours away from Jackson. Tommy helped me put up a fence and electrify it. Maria gave us a nice cradle. Jesse’s parents gave us a few sheep. 

And JJ, Dina and I get to enjoy the fresh air. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

I’d kill and die for Dina and JJ. I’ve already have, back in Seattle. And I’d surely do it a million times again. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

JJ looks exactly like Jesse. Sometimes, it almost hurts seeing his smile. And then I think that JJ is just honoring his great genes by being so cute. Not that Jesse was my type, but _damn_ is Dina beautiful. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

I can draw Joel’s eyes again. I don’t know what the fuck happened. 

It doesn’t really make a difference. I don’t remember how he smelled. I barely remember his voice. Lately, all my nightmares are about me forgetting about him. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

Another panic attack. I could hear his screams. JJ was crying and I couldn’t keep my shit together for him. Dina made everything better. 

The worst part is that I can remember his screams but not the sound of his laughter. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

Abby is fucking death. Yet I still wanna chase after her. I wanna make her pay. But I killed her and it didn’t change shit. 

I have to move the fuck on. For Dina and JJ. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

I stumbled into my guitar case. Dina and JJ were fast asleep and I didn’t want to wake them up. Dina already worries too much. 

I thought back about that night, before Abby ruined everything. 

I thought about kissing Dina for the first time, and Joel trying to punch that bigot for me. Joel plucking away in his front porch, as he used to do. 

How he told me he would’ve done everything all over again. 

I didn’t understand why. I’m not sure I’m worth it. I wasn’t much more than a menace to him for years. Yet he dragged me out of that hospital because–

I get it. I’d do the same for JJ. I’d do worse, even. And I’d do it over and over again, even if JJ hated my guts at the end. 

Joel loved me. I don’t know many things, and I sure as hell don’t know half his motivations, but I think he loved me. We were similar like that; we’d do unimaginable things for love. 

I just hope he knew I loved him just as much. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

Today I talked to JJ about Joel. Dina looked surprised, and I pretended not to notice. It wasn’t fucking easy. Every time I think about him, I want to cry. But JJ smiled at me, and I swear I could’ve seen some of Joel in those brown eyes. 

That’s stupid. Still, he laughed and clapped, and I didn’t feel as sad as I thought I would be. Maybe Dina has a point. Maybe it’ll get easier overtime. 

Or maybe it won’t, who the fuck knows, but it’s worth a shot. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

It still hurts. I don’t think it’ll ever stop hurting. But it’s gotten somewhat easier. JJ loves it when I play him to sleep. Dina says I’ve been smiling more. 

And lately, I don’t feel _very_ guilty about being happy.

Joel made the right call to get me the fuck out of that hospital.

**Author's Note:**

> I fucking know the time-stamps are a mess. Don't even bring that shit up.
> 
> Also, i don't know if i should clarify this but i don't hate sarah. I don't think anybody could. She was honest to god precious, but i still think Ellie has this very depricating voice inside her head that blinds her common sense sometimes, especially when she's down. idk.


End file.
